Last night Comedy Central Africa premiered their first ever South African Roast when 'Roastee' actor, musician, talk show host, activist and poet, Steve Hofmeyr took the hot seat in a custom Weber-made chair on National Braai Day at The Lyric Theatre.
Based on the US Comedy Central Roast-blue print, Hofmeyr's career and personal life was ridiculed and mocked in the name of comedy by a panel of celebrity 'Roasters' in front of a live studio audience.
The celebrity 'Roasters' included Robert Whitehead who plays Barker Heyns in Isidingo, journalist and Headlines entertainment reporter Kuli Roberts, model Minki van der Westhuizen, actress Shaleen Surtie-Richards, radio personality Anele Mdoda and comedians John Vlismas, Casper de Vries and David Kau. Comedian Trevor Noah acted as 'Roastmaster' of ceremonies.
Here are some of the lines that got the most hysterical laughs from the audience members:
"Ladies and gentleman, Casper de Vries! South Africa's favourite beach ball. Look at you man."
"We also got Kuli Roberts in the house... aka Kuli the cokehead. Aka McSlutty the bitch mom. Glad you could make it tonight, glad you could be sober enough to join us. Although you probably came for the free drinks, but thank you."
"You know Anele (Mdoda), you're so successful and you're young and your career is moving so fast, it's just a pity your metabolism can't keep up."
"In 2008 we almost lost Steve. In 2008 a perforated colon almost killed Steve Hofmeyr. In other words your intestines split open and your faeces poisoned you, Steve. Your own poo, Steve almost killed you, your own poo... you're so full of shit, even you can't stand you."
At Shaleen Surtie Richards: "Just because your show (Egoli) was canned, doesn't mean you had to burn down the Isidingo set."
Whitehead ended his slow-delivered set strong by reading through a mock Comedy Central Africa "contract" which allegedly listed all the rude names he wasn't permitted to call Hofmeyr: "Steve Hofmeyr is a doos. Steve Hofmeyr is a poes. Steve Hofmeyr is a poepol. Steve Hofmeyr is a pielkop."
"Trevor Noah needs to calm down, he needs to remember that Xhosa women, beautiful Xhosa women like myself make people like him."
"Singer, musician, actor, song-writer and jack of all trades...of course in Steve's case: A jack-off of all trades."
"I was so worried that Steve was going to try to hit me, but then I remembered I'm a guy."
"The good things that men like Steve do is often buried with their bones, and by that I mean, buried balls-deep inside a country girl...after a show in a koöperasiesaal. Or is swallowed greedily by helpless aerobics-instructresses in the car parks of Fourways after being fucked by a man wearing ironically a helmet, but not a condom. [Laughs] It's not a hard gig."
"After 30 years in business Robert (Whitehead) is still only known as the fictional character he plays on that day-time soapie, watched by people who don't have DSTV, because they DON'T have a choice."
At Hofmeyr: "And then I read somewhere that your fiancé was initially your stalker."
Minki van der Westhuizen:
"Steve is an animal lover, especially small furry creatures, and not just mink, he told me he's a great fan of beaver too." Vlismas responded with:
"Aah, the model made a joke!"
"Once again we have gathered here with a bunch of South Africans that are trying to do some shit they saw on American TV."
"'Roastmaster' Trevor Noah. Apparently his father is Swiss and white, his mom is Xhosa, must have been very conflicted trying to decide if you were going to be on time or if you're going to be late for the gig."
"Mr Robert Whitehead, I know you're here today to roast Steve Hofmeyr but I know honestly you'd rather be spit-roasting Nataniel."
Casper de Vries:
"Robert (Whitehead) is quite old now. You are like royalty, we bow to you with our backs against the fucking wall."
"You John Vlismas. His existence is proof that Satan fucks rats."
"Steve, you got what they say the "X-factor", some people say the "Y-Factor", "Y the fuck is he a star?"
At Hofmeyr: "You got a beautiful voice, the first time I heard you, I didn't know you yet and I thought: "Is this a fucking old lesbian with throat cancer?"
She used her speech to reveal a hitherto unsuspected crush on Hofmeyr, expressing her disgust that the reputed womaniser has never tried it on with her on the set of Egoli when they worked together. Surtie-Richards finishes her speech by flinging a giant pair of ladies knickers at the singer.
He throws away his notes: "Actually, fuck the script. You know why?
Because they were right. Everything they said were right, it was accurate, relevant, it was valid. You've read it, you can prove it. No use denying I'm a family man, I have a family in every province, Mother's Day is a nightmare for me, pregnant mothers distress me, maternity wards define me.
But it was when I fucked your mother, John (Vlismas). That was the last time someone in your family made me laugh."
"When Trevor Noah wants the credibility, he's white. When he wants the job, he's black."
"David (Kau), I'm not a racist, I just hate you".
"Let me end by asking you all a very, very simple question: "What time does the fucking Roast start?"".
"I have made a career out of ending Steve Hofmeyr's career."
Here are a few lines that got some awkward, dark, cringe-worthy laughs from the audience members:
"Kuli Roberts, you have actually said many racist things I remember, I mean for those who don't know Kuli said racist things especially about coloured people that caused her to lose her job in fact. It's a shame, ironically Kuli is now the mother of two beautiful coloured girls. Showing you that even beautiful flowers can grow from piles of shit."
"You're like a weird singer who likes kids, Steve you're like a black Michael Jackson, only slightly less gifted... at dying."
At Hofmeyr: "If Satan and Hitler had a child, and it had been a girl, she would still be a better man than you."
"Steve thinks that I hate Afrikaans culture. And I don't, it's only the shit stuff. There is a lot of truly great South African art like the band K.O.B.U.S., like the band Battery 9, members of both who've been good enough to kill themselves. Like Johannes Kerkorrel, bingo!"
"Minki van der Westhuizen, what the hell are you doing here? You're not funny, you're not a presenter, you're not even a good presenter, I can't hear what you are saying, Minki van der Westhuizen, when you speak it sounds like Joost van der Westhuizen."